Patsy Crosses the Rainbow Bridge to Paradise

My friend Patsy, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel who has been a part of our family for almost 14 years, took her final trip to the vet this week.

We brought her to a clinic called Stillwaters Veterinary Care, which specializes in end-of-life services. (They have a program through which their staff come to you, but we were worried that this would disturb Patsy's sister, Chloe; plus, Pats always loved a good car ride).*

*The Stillwaters staff were very professional, and the ambience was peaceful. If you're in the Syracuse, New York, area and have a pet who is terminally ill, we highly recommend their services.

Patsy passed away in the arms of the people who loved her. We took a paw print and some locks of her hair to remember her by, and we buried her behind my mom's house - right at the base of the hill that it was her great joy to run up so that she could chase birds and squirrels and deer in the woods behind our house.

I spent the day before the appointment at Stillwaters at my mom's house, holding Patsy and reminding her of how much I love her (and giving her the treats that she hadn't been allowed to have because of her heart condition; like her father, Patsy had a taste for poison).

One time, Patsy overdosed on chocolate: She ate an entire tray of chocolate chip cookies, and we had to call the veterinary equivalent of Poison Control because her abdomen swelled up and her breathing was stressed. (Like father, like daughter with the ODs; unfortunately, there's no Narcan for chocolate).

During her final months, Patsy didn't have much energy for the things that she used to love. She needed assistance getting up onto beds and couches, and she didn't want to run around outside anymore, either.

Nevertheless, on her second-to-last day, Pats made her way up the steep stairs to the second floor so that I could lift her up onto my bed and she could nap next to me.

There is so much that I could say about the significance of this moment for me.

When Patsy joined our family, I was 23 and struggling with tapering off of buprenorphine (Suboxone) maintenance while suffering the symptoms of Graves' disease. I'm now 36, and I'm tapering off of methadone maintenance.

When I think about that unfortunate symmetry, the years in between feel like a big L - with dozens of small, surprising, significant, and beautiful W's along the way.

But life isn't really measured in L's and W's, as far as I'm concerned, and this post isn't about me.

It's about a petite, gorgeous, goofy, and fiercely loyal friend who didn't care whether I finished medical school, bought a nice house and a fancy car, or anything like that. Wherever we were, she was happy just to lay next to me.

Losing Patsy and my stepdad, Lou, this past year has left me heartbroken - which is exactly how I should feel. The two of them - along with Patsy's namesake, my maternal gran - taught me about true, unconditional love.

I was thinking about it the other day, and - out of the 15 years that I have spent trying to get clean and sober - there have only been a handful of days when I truly just gave up.

There were countless times when I wanted to throw in the towel: To stop working, to resign myself to homelessness and drug addiction and squalor; to forfeit all of my responsibilities and just enjoy the pleasures of giving in and getting high.

But I never let myself submit to that impulse, and it was unconditional love from Patsy and my gran that kept me resisting. That's 5,475 days that I've spent battling cravings, withdrawal, severe anxiety, and insomnia. Even if there are 5,000 more days of it ahead of me, I hope that I never give in.

I still strive to live a life that would make Lou, my gran, and Patsy proud. (I once saw a bumper sticker that read "Be the person who your dog thinks you are," which sounds about right).

Patsy was the runt of her litter and the last of her siblings to be adopted. She was always a little on the small side (when we first got her, she was so tiny that I could practically hold her in one hand). What she lacked in size, she made up for in charisma, energy, and sheer love.

It's unreal how much joy and love Patsy brought into the world simply by being Patsy.

I frequently walked her in the park in the center of the small town that my mom lives in, and the magnitude of the smiles and laughter that Patsy and Chloe brought to passersby just by being their goofy, good-natured selves is absolutely unbelievable.

As humans, we spend so much time fixated on which people are holy, on who shows us how God would want us to act. We often forget that there are four-legged angels around to teach us every single day.

This post is full of time-honored, sentimental cliches because in this case, they're heartfelt. The more that I consider it, the more I think that maybe I wouldn't have had any of it any other way.

I love you, Patsy. Thank you for the love, peace, joy, and laughter that you brought to my life.

To use a (lightly modified) line from Jim Harrison's Legends of the Fall, I may not see you, but I will join you.

Rest in peace, Patsy. We love you, and we thank you.

Life update: I've been posting some content over at my YouTube channel, where I go by the name Neuromancer. This week, I recorded a video of me narrating part of "The Last of the Laowai," which describes my experiences as an expat in Mainland China prior to and during the COVID lockdowns (link to first part of blog series here). I livened the stories up with some pictures from my travels, as well.

Work has been busy, and I've been coming home and going directly to sleep much of the time (methadone withdrawal), so I haven't had hardly any time to promote this blog, which is showing in my traffic.

The lack of promotion is a problem: In 2025, the average blogger spends at least four to eight times promoting compared to the time that they devote to writing and creating other content. I just haven't had the time or energy lately, and I really appreciate those of you who read and engage regularly nonetheless.

If you'd like to support me, please visit this channel and like / subscribe / comment: https://youtu.be/CkzNTwvsFT8

Love you all. Be good.