Dating / Engaged to / Married to an Addict? Nine Questions to Help Determine the Future of Your Relationship

Nine questions that will help you evaluate whether to stay with a partner who is an addict; also, some advice on how to communicate with your addicted significant other regarding the future of your relationship.

The small town in Upstate New York that I hail from was heavily hit by the OxyContin epidemic, followed by the heroin and then the fentanyl epidemics. As I've shared before, my standard five-mile morning run - fully half of which passes through farmland and a nature park - takes me past no fewer than six homes where young people lost their lives to opioid addiction.

I can hardly count how many people who I grew up with have had their own lives or the life of a family member ruined or prematurely ended by these drugs (in some parts of the U.S., overflow storage for dead bodies, intended to be used following airplane crashes or other mass casualty events, has been coopted for storing addicts' corpses).

Thus, it wasn't exactly surprising when my mom got off the phone the other day and told me that the older sister of one of my friends from high school - a quirky, quiet girl; the antithesis of a party girl - ended up marrying and having kids with an opioid addict, who died of overdose a few days ago.

Hannah's reaction, as well as the reaction of her parents and siblings, was primarily one of relief. Her husband had been in and out of treatment and recovery, which meant that he had been erratic in terms of his presence in the lives of their son and daughter, who are four and eight years old, respectively.

Hannah's general view was that her husband hadn't had much of a chance at attaining lasting recovery, and that being the case, that it was better for her husband and also for his children that he passed away now rather than continuing on in his kids' lives in such a disruptive and unreliable manner.

As awful as it is to acknowledge that his kids are probably better off with him gone - and as wrong as it feels to use that logic to minimize the loss of human value and potential involved - I don't doubt that it is the truth, and I certainly don't judge Hannah and the rest of her family for thinking this way.

Loving an addict is an exquisite torture that I wouldn't wish on a subprime mortgage bundler. It is one of the most stressful, exhausting, and demoralizing experiences that life on this troubled rock has to offer, and the worst part is that, unlike the addict, you are stuck in reality full-time.

Deciding whether to stay with an addicted partner who is struggling with his or her recovery is a hell unto itself.

There are no easy answers about whether or not you should stay because the risk-benefit analysis is individualized and, in the end, logic rarely triumphs over love. However, in this post, I've put together a list of questions that I would want to consider when thinking about this issue (as well as some links to resources that will likely be helpful to someone in this situation).

1. Do you know enough about addiction to make an informed choice about the future of your relationship?

   
   

   If your thinking is "Okay, my spouse is an addict; we'll send him or her off to inpatient treatment for a month, and he or she will get better, and then life will go on," then I have awful news for you.

   
   

   For the vast majority of addicts, recovery doesn't work this way. Depending on which substance your partner is addicted to, it may take as many as seven attempts at treatment, on average, before lasting recovery is achieved - and that's only for the 10 percent of people (best case scenario) who attain long-term recovery at all.

   
   

   For many people, it's a lifelong cycle of relapse and recovery.

   
   

   The fact of the matter is that we are still woefully ignorant about addiction. In terms of research funding, whereas approximately $3,000 has been devoted to research on HIV per infected patient, only $3 has been devoted to saving each ill addict.

   
   

   Largely because of this, many treatment centers use 12-Step programs rather than Evidence-Based Practices (EBP) such as CBT and DBT, discussed below.

   
   

   We've got a long way to go. With meth and heroin in general, and especially if your loved one uses drugs intravenously and started using drugs early on in life, the success rates are often lower than 5 percent (although with opioid addiction specifically, there are maintenance drugs such as buprenorphine and methadone that boost that number substantially, so all is not lost; again, though, you've got to arm yourself with information to understand the landscape of prognostic risk that you and your partner are facing).

   
   

   Get ready to learn about more medications and unhelpful acronyms than you can possibly cope with!

   
   

   If your partner is an alcoholic, you're likely to learn about the 12 Steps and medications such as naltrexone, which helps reduce cravings and reduces the enjoyable effects of alcohol, and disulfiram (Antabuse), which makes someone very sick if they drink.

   
   

   If your partner was into opioids, you're going to hear a lot about maintenance medications, including buprenorphine (Suboxone) and methadone. I've written extensively about the pros and cons of these medications, and I'd humbly suggest checking out those articles (here and here) before your partner commits to medication maintenance. You'll also likely be given naloxone (Narcan) for the reversal of overdoses, and you'll hear about naltrexone used for reducing opioid cravings, as well.

   
   

   In terms of Evidence-Based Practices (EBP), you're going to hear a lot about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques for shifting thinking in a more positive, adaptive direction.

   
   

   If your loved one has trouble staying in the present and regulating their emotional state and / or has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), then you'll learn about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), which focuses on distress tolerance, mindfulness exercises, and effective communication.

   
   

   Specialized forms of therapy aimed at reprocessing trauma, such as Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) treatment, are offered by some treatment programs, as well.

   
   

   I wrote an introduction to common therapeutic approaches, available here, which might be of use. If your partner is considering inpatient treatment, which involves going away to a facility, usually for a month or so, I put together a list of factors that I would consider when choosing a program, available here.

   
   

   Whether your partner is considering inpatient treatment or community-based outpatient treatment, which involves groups and meetings several times per week, one of the first and most important issues to decide is whether or not he or she is considered a dual-diagnosis patient.

   
   

   If you know or suspect that your partner has bipolar disorder, a personality disorder, schizophrenia, or major, untreated ADHD / depression / anxiety, it will likely be very difficult to near-impossible for him or her to get clean and sober without dealing with that problem at the same time. Now, most treatment programs will advertise "dual-diagnosis support"; what they often mean is simply that they have one group out of many process groups that they assign such patients to.

   
   

   What you'll be looking for, instead, is a program that truly focuses on dual-diagnosis patients. You'll want one that offers differential diagnosis for patients who haven't been diagnosed yet; more frequent appointments with psychiatrists and psychologists; and specialized therapy delivered by people with expertise in co-occurring disorders.

   
   

   On the last subject - who will be treating your loved one - the gold standard, when it comes to diagnosis and medications, is regular visits with a board-certified psychiatrist or Addiction Medicine doctor who was educated at a US MD or DO program.

   
   

   Midlevels such as Physician Assistants (PAs) and Nurse Practitioners (NPs) might stand in for the psychiatrist when he or she is especially busy or for routine followup / refill appointments when things are going well, but they should not be the primary source of diagnosis and treatment plan development. Doctors spend 12+ years in school and training for a reason.

   
   

   In terms of who is delivering therapy, look for psychologists with Master's or Doctoral degrees (either PhDs or PsyDs). Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSWs) who focus on providing therapy are often helpful, as well.

   
   

   Unfortunately, because addiction medicine is woefully underfunded in the US, most groups and one-on-one therapy sessions are led by CASACs (Credentialed Alcohol and Substance Abuse Counselors), who have Associate's (two-year) degrees coupled with months-long internships.

   
   

   Allowing CASACs to handle all the heavy lifting - at the methadone clinic I go to, it is almost impossible to see the doctor who is actually prescribing your methadone - is a huge mistake. When leading groups, CASACs often speak from their own anecdotal experience or rely on prefabricated CBT / DBT worksheets; they lack the pattern recognition, active listening / verbal prompting skills, and nuanced, real-time approach of clinicians with a background in psychology.

   
   

   Beware of treatment programs that sound shiny but that do not use Evidence-Based Practices. Unfortunately, the addiction treatment world is full of charlatans who will take your money while promising encouraging results; looking for proper degrees / training on the part of staff members and inquiring about EBP are two ways to protect yourself and your partner against bad actors.

   
   

   In terms of where to seek information, the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)

   has high-quality resources about addiction, addiction treatment, and current research on related topics. Many of the articles are short, Q&A-style pieces intended for laypeople, and quite a few of them make use of shortform video content.

   
   

   Your state's addiction treatment regulator - in NYS, it is the Office of Addiction Services and Supports (OASAS) - is another solid place to start (they are also the agency to contact if your loved one is enrolled in treatment and having major problems related to unfair / unethical treatment).

   
   

   The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) has a 24-hour helpline to answer questions and facilitate treatment referrals - although, again, I advise doing research on different types of programs before accepting a referral to a particular program.*

   
   

   *Even if your partner does not currently have insurance coverage, call! The opioid epidemic has gotten so bad in the U.S. that many treatment centers will allow you to start treatment immediately even if you cannot afford it and do not have insurance coverage; such programs will typically enroll you in Medicaid, which will often allow up to a month of retroactive coverage for services provided before insurance coverage formally kicked in.

   
   

   The most valuable in-person and e-meeting resource that I can recommend is Al-Anon Family Groups, which are 12-Step programs / support groups for loved ones of addicts. I will talk more about what these groups offer and why I wholeheartedly recommend them below.

   
   

   If you or your loved one is in the middle of a mental health crisis right now, the 988 Suicide and Crisis hotline is another option if you are in the U.S.

   
   

   If you're located abroad and having trouble finding resources in your country / area, use the Contact form on this site to get in touch! I'm always glad to help, and it's good for me to know about resources abroad - you know, I travel :).

   
   

   If you're a book person, again, just hit me up. I have a dozen introductory and specialized books on addiction and addiction treatment that I can recommend depending on what angle and level of technicality you're looking for.

   
   

   I'd advise against relying on Reddit, at least in the beginning, as it tends to be overly anecdotal; plus, the most upvoted responses are rarely the most correct or helpful. Likewise with pages linked to treatment centers or other sources with clear motivations for bias.

   
   

   So, step one - read, listen, learn. You cannot make an informed decision until you are, well, informed.

   
   

2. Are you an addict? How is your own mental health?

   
   

   If you are also an active addict (meaning someone using their substance of choice; someone not in stable recovery), then you must seek treatment for yourself before you can possibly be an asset to your partner in his or her own recovery.

   
   

   One of the truest cliches of recovery is that it is like a plane crash - you must affix your oxygen mask to your own face before you can help whatever vulnerable person is beside you.

   
   

   Considering how toxic and codependent addicted couples usually become, going into "recovery" "together" is a dubious strategy. What typically happens - as seen with Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil, for example - is that one partner hits a rough patch in recovery and confides in the other partner about that. Then, motivated addict logic kicks in and both members of the relationship convince themselves to leave treatment and relapse together (always with carefully agreed upon limitations and strings attached; "we're not going back to the way we were before" is the mantra in this kind of situation).

   
   

   It's a tale as old as time, and I've seen it happen with several couples who covertly entered treatment together or who met each other during treatment.

   
   

   So, if you're also an addict, you've got to achieve stable recovery before you can help your significant other, and you're going to need time and space to do so. A separation of a year or so is ideal for this purpose (although I realize that life as an addict is never ideal, and some people can't afford to just up and leave their partner; in such cases, there are ways to get emotional and spiritual distance even without complete physical separation).

   
   

   One quick warning for couples in which both partners are trying to get clean: For the reasons mentioned above, no responsible treatment center will allow both of you to attend at the same time. Period.

   
   

   Even if you're not an addict, you've got to realistically evaluate your own mental health before making decisions about the future of your relationship.

   
   

   Putting healthy boundaries in place during your partner's recovery will mitigate stress and guard against codependence, true, but even in the best possible scenario, having a loved one in early recovery is a fantastically fraught scenario. If you have mental health issues of your own - particularly if you are inclined toward anxiety - a separation of a few months to a year is probably the safest path forward, particularly if you and your partner have children or other dependents to care for.

   
   

   That's not to say that you won't see or support your partner for that entire period, of course - just that you will be living your daily lives mostly apart during this early time, which will also allow your loved one to build self-sufficiency in recovery.*

   
   

   *Quick tangent: It's an uncomfortable thing to say and to hear / accept, but well-intentioned loved ones often get in the way of recovery despite intending to be supportive. They add to the anxiety of the situation, or they create annoyance by "checking up on" the addict too often, or they doubt the addict's fledging recovery even when he or she is clean / sober; they might turn a single slip into a full-blown, emotional-meltdown-accompanied relapse because of how angry and disappointed they are, or they might coddle the addict at a time when he or she is meant to be learning a tough lesson about living life on life's terms.

   
   

   Your own mental health has to be solid in order for your relationship to survive your partner's early recovery. Even if it is, it's an excellent idea to enroll in therapy and / or attend Al-Anon to monitor how you're doing with things.

   
   

   Ensuring that you have time to exercise, meditate, create art, or do whatever else renews you and brings you joy during your partner's recovery is essential, as well.

   
   

   The most positive way to process what your relationship is going through is this: If all goes well, your loved one is going to return from treatment a new person - stronger, better, more alive. You'll want to use this time to work on your own flaws, build yourself up, and be ready to contribute an equally impressive new self to the relationship as well, right?

   
   

   Amidst all this bad news, it's probably helpful and fair to note that there are couples out there who say that one or both of them facing addiction was the thing that saved their relationship and transformed it into a truly extraordinary partnership. This doesn't have to break you (at least not permanently); this experience can make you, as well.

   
   

3. Can you afford to stay with an addicted partner?

   
   

   Many people who read Questions (1) and (2) above will be thinking: How can I possibly afford to separate from my partner?

   
   

   Believe me, especially for my fellow Americans, I understand how this goes. The costs of treatment, including indirect costs such as missing work - on top of months and years of money wasted on booze and drugs and legal and medical fees and every other money-burnt expense associated with addiction - are incredibly difficult for anyone who is working- or middle-class to bear. In a two-income household, which is standard these days in the U.S., one partner going away to treatment for a month can be such a financial stress that couples seek loans to cover basic expenses during this period. (On top of this, there's the issue of one partner's employer often offering insurance that covers both partners, which can complicate things, as well).

   
   

   Now let me turn this issue on its head: Can you afford to stay with an addicted partner? Again, most addicts will not achieve long-term recovery, and of those who do, many will require multiple iterations of treatment and relapse before recovery "clicks."

   
   

   Many partners find out about their loved ones' addictions in the first place due to missing money or unexpected debt. Addiction is heinously expensive - both the direct costs of substances as well as the associated price-tags of medical treatment for overdoses, accidents, etc., not to mention missed work, legal fees, the high-interest debt on credit cards and other sources of funds that inevitably get used to cover the foregoing expenses, and many other unexpected costs. (If you're curious about this, my forensic accounting of my own addiction is available in Endless Tab: The Grand Total of How Much I've Spent on Opioids Over the Past 15 Years).

   
   

   Can you afford to stay with your partner through years or even decades of this? Are you willing to forgo dinners out, yearly vacations, and holiday gifts due to your partner's mental illness?

   
   

   If you do intend to stay, I suggest financial disentanglement to the greatest extent possible - again, particularly if you have children or other dependents involved in your situation. Transferring major assets such as houses and vehicles over to the non-addicted partner is another move worth considering.

   
   

   Many addicts in the U.S. end up on the hook for thousands or tens of thousands of dollars' worth of medical expenses, and believe me - these creditors come calling. (In fact, I have a friend in Illinois whose wages are currently being garnished at the rate of 25% due to a judgment from a sketchy treatment center that he attended).

   
   

   On top of all of this, when an addict is desperate, he or she will do almost anything to get drugs, including pawning possessions that would otherwise be considered priceless and untouchable. In addition to the practical ramifications of losing your phones, computers, TVs, and other valuables, I'd suggest considering whether you will truly be able to look your partner in the face and love him once his wedding ring and family heirlooms have been pawned during a relapse.

   
   

   As always, consulting a financial planner, particularly someone who has experience with budgeting around extended illness, is an excellent move. Without a solid budget that is prepared in advance, you're likely to end up in untenable debt.

   
   

   In the worst-case scenario, consider this: Are you willing and able to follow your partner into long-term financial stress and possibly even poverty and bankruptcy as he or she struggles to get clean? Are you willing to take children and other dependents there with you?

   
   

   It's tough for me to write these things because I know that losing relationships often accelerates addiction. I so keenly do not want to contribute to the isolation from love and community that kills addicts. However, grim reality is grim reality, and there are ways to love and support that don't involve money and cohabitation.

   
   

   Moreso than perhaps any other mental illness, addiction tends to destroy those who love the sick person. In writing these things, I'm trying to forewarn you and to protect you from that.

   
   

4. How long are you willing to wait for your significant other to recover? How much relapse are you willing and able to tolerate?

   
   

   Enduring the worst stretches of a partner's addiction often means weathering one legal, medical, professional, and social crisis after another. It's all-consuming and exhausting, and because of that, it tends to leave you unable to zoom out and see the bigger picture.

   
   

   For this reason, it is incredibly easy to commit to supporting your significant other in his or her recovery from addiction - only to wake up 5 or 10 years later after innumerable cycles of relapse and recovery, at which point you realize that life has passed you by, that you've given up your own interests, relationships, opportunities, and joie de vivre along the way.

   
   

   This is why it's so important for you to make sure that you engage with therapy and / or group support resources like Al-Anon.

   
   

   On one end of the spectrum is the partner who will, upon learning about his or her partner's addiction, tell him or her to move out and get back in touch after a year of solid recovery. On the other is the person who will accompany his or her spouse into the innermost circles of addictive hell, refusing to construct "'til death do us part" in any other manner.

   
   

   I understand that it is rarely possible or practical to decide something along the lines of "If you're not in stable, long-term recovery within two years, after no more than two relapses and $25,000 outflow, then I'm leaving you until you achieve long-term recovery." However, especially given the foregoing information about how rare long-term recovery is for many addicts, as well as how many cycles of relapse precede sustained recovery for those addicts who do manage to achieve it eventually, I'd urge partners of addicts to come up with some sort of timeline concerning what a doable recovery arc might look like.

   
   

   It will be flexible, of course, and ultimately love might override logic, but I'd seriously recommend thinking about what sort of timeframe you're willing to put your own life on hold for.

   
   

   You needn't necessarily inform your partner of your mental timeframe from the outset; in fact, I recommend not doing so, as it can add to pressure in an unhelpful way, and ultimatums often engender resentment.

   
   

   Imagine it from his perspective - he is fighting the battle of his or her life, forced to be the strongest that he has ever been precisely when he is at his weakest; he's aware of the life-or-death stakes and of the fact that he might lose you, and still - despite his best efforts - he might be relapsing. Hearing a temporal ultimatum on top of all of that pressure is a lot to contend with.

   
   

   The one time that I would advise you to consider informing your partner that he is reaching the end of the line in terms of you staying with him is when you are sure that your relationship cannot stand one more relapse. At that point, letting him know that one more screw-up could result in him losing you permanently might be just the thing to push him in the direction of recovery; at the very least, it will wake him up from a false sense of security that he might have slipped into after you choosing to stay with him through a relapse or two.

   
   

   Any loving partner will feel incredibly guilty about "abandoning" their loved one to a mental illness that is not his or her fault and that he or she might end up dying from despite making full-faith, all-out attempts to recover.

   
   

   Let me assure you that, from the perspective of the addicted partner, nothing would hurt me more than knowing that I was destroying the love of my life along with myself. If I were unable to achieve stable recovery, I would absolutely, positively want my spouse to leave the sinking ship of my life.

   
   

   Knowing that he had escaped the hell that I was caught within and could now enjoy a full, happy life would be an incredible solace to me.

   
   

   So, please, don't feel guilty about saving yourself. Whatever remains of the most true and loving essence of your partner will be relieved by the thought of you freeing yourself from the trap that he is stuck within.

   
   

5. What is your greatest fear with respect to your partner's addiction?

   
   

   I recently wrote about Jungian shadow work (blog here), which involves processing one's deepest fears and weaknesses.

   
   

   As a nod in that direction, as you're making your decision about what path you're going to chart through the addictive quagmire that awaits you and your partner, I'd think a bit about - out of all of the awful things that addiction can bring into your lives - which possibilities disturb you the most.

   
   

   Is it the prospect of your partner becoming violent against you and your children while intoxicated?

   
   

   The possibility of ending up broke and homeless?

   
   

   Of having your partner's addiction become publicly known, and therefore experiencing the very real and very intense stigma that our society directs at addicts?

   
   

   Watching your partner die of overdose? Having your children experience this?

   
   

   Having to care for your partner after an OD or other accident renders him / her paralyzed or comatose?

   
   

   Weighing how you feel about these possibilities into your decision-making will ensure that you're not surprised by what addiction throws at you down the line. It will allow you to plan your path forward in a way that gives proper consideration to different outcomes.

   
   

   As a straightforward example, I have a friend who has been in recovery from cocaine addiction for several years. This woman was married to a man who is also a cocaine addict, with whom she had two children. Unfortunately, despite multiple stints in inpatient and outpatient treatment, her husband wasn't able to achieve recovery alongside her.

   
   

   Long story short, for three years she refused to leave her husband even though he was in active addiction. Having been through addiction herself (and relapsed despite being incredibly motivated to get healthy for her two kids), she knew just how isolating, humiliating, and depressing addiction can be.

   
   

   Granted, she wouldn't allow her husband to drive her children anywhere. During a couple of sloppy relapses involving booze-and-coke benders, she also required her husband to stay in a hotel so that he didn't scare their children.

   
   

   However, the final straw came when her husband lied about relapsing, used in the house, and suffered a cocaine-induced seizure in front of one of her kids. After that incident, her emotional breaking point had been reached; informal separation and then divorce followed in short order.

   
   

   She continues to talk to him from time to time and is hopeful that he will eventually attain long-term recovery, but she has made it clear to him that she is no longer waiting around for him. He sees his kids twice a month at the house that she lives in with them (and she has the right to request that he take a drug test if she suspects that he is under the influence when he shows up for these visits).

   
   

   Addiction is a conniving enemy that keeps you distracted while it expertly shifts the goalposts; be sure that you draw your lines in the sand early on and stick by them.

   
   

   I suppose I should've expressed this already, but I am so sorry that you are facing such heartrending decisions. Watching addiction consume the love of your life from the inside out is sadder and scarier than I can express in words, and I have so much anger at this world that any loving partner should have to make this kind of call.

   
   

   Again, just remember that even separation and divorce don't mean permanent estrangement. You can certainly still support your partner from a healthier distance.

   
   

Ira Sachs' 2012 film Keep the Lights On is based on Sachs' relationship with literary agent Bill Clegg, who wrote a memoir entitled Portrait of an Addict as a Young Man. This unapologetically messy movie examines the long-term romance between Erik (Thure Lindhardt), a Danish filmmaker working in NYC, and publishing lawyer Paul (Zachary Booth), whose cocaine addiction leads to professional unreliability, cheating, and dangerous behavior. If you're looking for a love story that does justice to the complex and unpalatable realities of loving an addict while resisting easy answers and fatuous happily-ever-afters, I'd recommend giving it a try.

6. If you're going to stay with your addicted partner for the time being, what boundaries need to be in place to keep your relationship viable?

   
   

   Many of the questions that I've raised above are meant to help you decide what boundaries need to be in place to make your relationship with your addicted partner as healthy (or at least bearable) as possible.

   
   

   One boundary that partners who are themselves in recovery often have is that they cannot be around their loved one while he or she is using. While this is certainly reasonable, if you don't have an addictive history, I would avoid putting this boundary in place in the beginning unless you truly cannot bear being around your partner when he or she is under the influence.

   
   

   The single most powerful and illuminating discussion of addiction that I've ever come across is British journalist Johann Hari's TED Talk "Everything You Think You Know About Addiction Is Wrong" (my highlights article, which contains a link to the original TED Talk, is available here).

   
   

   Hari comes from a family of addicts, and - after traveling the world to meet with leading researchers from diverse disciplines - he arrives at the following truth:

   
   

   The opposite of addiction is not sobriety; the opposite of addiction is connection.

   
   

   Addiction is isolating, demoralizing, and self-hatred-inducing beyond words. By sitting with a loved one during the darkest moments of their recovery journey, you are affirming for them that they are worth it - that you love them and want them in your life no matter what.*

   
   

   *There are commonsense considerations here. If your partner is nodding out from an overdose or agitated / potentially violent due to meth psychosis, get them to the hospital, then sit with them there.

   
   

   You might just stop them from giving into despair and committing suicide, which is an all-too-common outcome of severe addiction.

   
   

   An important caveat: Much of recovery hinges upon maintaining a sense of balance that is often completely absent in the skewed realities of addicts; this is as true for partners of addicts as it is for addicts themselves, particularly when codependence is involved. Encouraging you to sit with your addicted partner during their lowest moments is not encouraging you to take over the reins of their recovery or to obsessively check in with them to reassure them with love-bombing.

   
   

   This concept sounds obvious, but it can be extraordinarily difficult to recognize and achieve real balance when unhealthy patterns of thinking, feeling, and behavior have become so engrained in your relationship with your partner.

   
   

   Because of this, the most important resource that I can refer you to today is Al-Anon Family Groups. There, you will connect with family members and other loved ones of addicts at every possible point along the journey.

   
   

   You will meet fellow partners of addicts who have just discovered their loved one's illness. You will also meet mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers of addicts who have lost their loved ones to the disease.

   
   

   They will be able to connect you with specific, local treatment resources, and they will support you through every single crisis that comes your way.

   
   

   Al-Anon offers a 12-Step program, which is meant to help you connect with a Higher Power, institute healthy boundaries in every area of your life, and come to peace with the fact that only your addicted partner can save him or herself.

   
   

   There are e-meetings and call-in meetings through Al-Anon, and fam - I cannot emphasize enough how strongly I advise you to participate. I have met many loved ones of addicts who have said that they wouldn't have made it through their loved one's addiction if it weren't for the fellowship and practical support that they received in Al-Anon.

   
   

   Experienced Al-Anon members will also have excellent, nuanced advice about creating healthy boundaries with respect to every area of your relationship with your loved one. Often, they have creative solutions that you might not have even considered, such as requesting that you and your partner not discuss addiction / recovery during certain times of the day or week, and that you take at least one vacation a year without your recovering spouse.

   
   

   On a more practical note, as I mentioned in Question (3) above, it will likely be necessary to institute financial boundaries to limit the impact of your partner's addiction on your own financial wellbeing. Again, the best way to do so is by obtaining advice from a financial planner who is familiar with planning for families facing separation / divorce as well as chronic medical issues.

   
   

   I have known many addicts in early recovery whose partners have requested access to bank accounts that had been kept separately in the past. As with much of the guidance offered in this blog, there is no one-size-fits-all answer about whether this is advisable or not.

   
   

   Some addicts might view such a request as intrusive and indicative of a lack of trust. However, much more often than not, I have heard addicts in early recovery say that they found such a request reasonable and that it actually freed them from worrying about "seeming clean" when they were in fact doing the right thing (anxiety around one's loved ones believing that you have relapsed when you haven't is incredibly common in early recovery). When your partner can see that you haven't misplaced a single dollar, there isn't really any room for doubt, which can be a wonderful relief for both of you.

   
   

   Again, as with much of the advice I've offered herein, the future of your relationship depends upon clear, honest, understanding communication. Because entrenched communication patterns can be exceedingly difficult to correct under the best circumstances, let alone the ones that prevail for the average reader of this article, I'd recommend getting help in the communication department - from a therapist / counselor, sponsor, or even a trusted, impartial friend or extended family member.

   
   

   Boundary-setting often has negative connotations, but in truth, setting boundaries in this sort of scenario is as much about cultivating and preserving the positive aspects of your relationship as it is about mitigating the stressful and negative ones. You and your partner should absolutely create game / date night commitments to help remind each of you how much you love and enjoy each other. You might also want to write detailed letters to each other about how you're each feeling about your partner's addiction / recovery and your relationship's future.

   
   

   Especially if he or she is doing well in recovery, your partner is likely to be spending a significant chunk of time away from you - attending 12-Step or SMART Recovery meetings, outpatient therapy, service events, and other clean / sober activities. It's normal to feel a little jealous and left-behind - as though, after suffering through the worst of your partner's addiction, you are now resenting that you're not able to enjoy the amazing new person who you see emerging.

   
   

   On this note, you will probably want to request a reasonable window into the sober support network that your partner is developing. He or she will likely enjoy having you meet his or her sponsor, home group members, counselor, and other people who have become key allies in the greatest fight of his life.

   
   

   However, I recommend allowing your partner to take the reins in this department. Recovery is intensely private - it often involves discussing one's most shameful and traumatic experiences - and no matter how close the two of you are, it is best to allow your partner to share this journey with you at the pace that feels right for him or her.

   
   

   Instituting and maintaining healthy boundaries is something that requires periodic reevaluation and adjustment. Boundaries that work for you and your partner now, in the first months of early recovery, will likely need to be revised as your partner evolves in recovery.

   
   

   Recovery is a beautiful, intimate, and intensely meaningful journey - the fight of a lifetime, which can transform hopeless, irresponsible addicts into heroes. Healthy boundaries will help to optimize your own participation in your partner's transformation.

   
   

7. Who else in your family will be impacted by your partner's addiction / treatment, and how do the two of you plan to manage that impact?

   
   

   If you and your partner have one or more children together, then explaining what is going on to them and shielding them from the stress of the situation is probably the thing that you are most worried about.

   
   

   Again - Al Anon, Al Anon, Al Anon. Some Al-Anon groups even have special meetings for younger children of addicts. Just as you will need therapeutic support during this time, so will your children.

   
   

   Many parents simply tell very young kids that their addicted partner is sick, that he or she will be fine, but that it may take some time for him / her to get better, and that he or she needs love and a little space while that happens.*

   
   

   *Of course, what you tell your children and what they figure out for themselves are two entirely different things. Coming from someone who grew up around substance abuse: Kids know. Always. It's unbelievable how early on in life they can sense the telltale differences in substance abusers at different points in the relapse / recovery cycle.

   
   

   If you're struggling with how to explain your partner's mental illness to your children, the Sesame Workshop offers some resources that might be helpful here, as does the Queensland Government's Child Safety Practice Manual here (what's nice about the latter resource is that it has specific suggestions for communicating with certain age groups).

   
   

   Again, don't have the discussion with your children and then leave them to feel and process on their own. They will need someone safe to talk to, preferably a therapist who specializes in treating young people or another trustworthy support network member other than you and your partner, as they might have things that they want to talk about that they aren't comfortable sharing with either of you at first.

   
   

   You will likely be shocked by how well kids take the news. Again, it is inevitably the case that they knew that something was seriously wrong; having it out in the open, and hearing that there is a plan for addressing it, is often a great relief.

   
   

   When it comes to childcare, it is going to be impossible for your addicted partner to keep up with his or her fair share for the first three months or so of recovery - especially if he or she is going to inpatient or intensive outpatient treatment, dealing with acute and post-acute withdrawal, and trying to keep his or her job.

   
   

   If you have parents or extended family members who you can lean on during this period, do it.

   
   

   If not, I recommend finding a trustworthy babysitter to protect some of your "you" time in the midst of all of this. You cannot make up for a mostly missing partner for several months without burning out.

   
   

   When it comes to other members of your family and your partner's family, it's best to keep information about his or her addiction on a "need to know" basis at first. Again, people are likely to have noticed some of the red flags and erratic behavior over the years of active addiction, but it's always best to be able to present addiction in the rearview - "Yeah, X was going through a rough time a couple of years ago, but he's been in recovery for 18 months now!"

   
   

   Sometimes this isn't possible. If your loved one is an alcoholic, for instance, you might need to rework how your family celebrates holidays to avoid get-togethers with conspicuous alcohol consumption (although most alcoholics in long-term recovery eventually feel that this is no longer necessary).

   
   

   My advice is to be very careful who you share with. People are likely to be very supportive on the surface and at first, but word gets around, and that can be damaging for you and your partner in ways that the people talking don't intend or anticipate.

   
   

   Addiction is a fire that you and your partner will mostly have to walk through alone, I'm sorry to say - with the support of others in recovery and licensed professionals, of course. The average person simply isn't likely to know what to say or do when they see you and your partner struggling, and you might very well find that it is exhausting and time-consuming to spend even more of your own life thinking and talking about addiction.

   
   

   Having said that, some spouses tell no one about their partner's addiction. Very often, they think of this as a way to express their loyalty. I understand this logic, but let me ask you this: If your husband had potentially fatal cancer, would you feel that it was an expression of your loyalty to keep that such a closely guarded secret?

   
   

   Very often, that kind of closed-off attitude about addiction and recovery is a sign of social fear and internalized stigma. You need at least one good friend or extended family member who knows what is going on and who always picks up the phone when you need him or her. Choose wisely, but choose.

   
   

   My final bit of advice is to avoid feeling that you owe anyone an explanation. People might pressure you by surmising that your partner is going through something; by emphasizing how supportive they want to be; by making you feel dishonest by not disclosing what's going on.

   
   

   Blunt, generic language works well here. "Yes, Charlie's going through something right now, but we're dealing with it as a family, and we need our privacy right now."

   
   

   People will talk, and that is the very least of your present concerns. Anyone who gossips about a life-threatening mental illness in a cruel way is someone who you don't need in your life anyway.

   
   

8. What treatment resources and support networks can you and your partner rely upon?

   
   

   So, you've decided to hunker down for the fight alongside your partner. God bless you - if there is a heaven, then there is an opulent mansion in it for people like you.

   
   

   This entire blog is full of resources to support you and your partner. In addition, I spend several hours per week answering messages from addicts and those who love them, and I maintain a directory of every single reputable recovery resource that I've ever come across.

   
   

   If you are having trouble finding the information and support that you need, start with Al-Anon and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration's 24-hour helpline. They are used to dealing with frightened, unknowledgeable newcomers. They are kind, concrete, and trustworthy.

   
   

   I'm a planner. If I were a complete newbie to addiction, I would create an Excel spreadsheet of plans and resources.

   
   

   If my loved one were an opioid addict, for example, my very first action would be to obtain Narcan and attend a training or watch a video on how to use it during overdose.

   
   

   After that, I'd map out inpatient and outpatient treatment options, family therapists for myself and my children, Al-Anon meeting schedules. It will feel overwhelming at first, but with each day, what you know will increase and you will feel more in control.

   
   

   In the end, you will experience that strange peace that comes from being in the midst of chaos that you cannot control but having done your very best to prepare yourself for all possible contingencies. It's like being on board a well-built, well-battened-down ship with a major storm on the horizon - a perplexingly cozy feeling.

   
   

   The most important thing to remember when you and your partner are facing addiction is that you cannot face it alone. If there is only one takeaway from this piece, please let it be that.

   
   

   Attend Al-Anon regularly. Get a therapist.

   
   

9. How will you communicate with your partner about all of the above in an honest, empathetic manner?

   
   

   It's inevitable that you and your partner are going to have disagreements during this difficult time. However, there are strategies that you can use to keep communication as constructive and kind as possible even during the worst moments.

   
   

   I'm a big fan of written communication, which allows time for forethought and takes away the "Oh God, I wish I hadn't said that in that way" element.

   If you and your partner are having difficulty with the major conversations around addiction and treatment, I'd strongly suggest having a third party facilitate them - preferably a therapist who is well-versed in mental health issues.*

   
   

   *A word on credentials: Credentialed Alcohol and Substance Abuse Counselors (CASACs) have minimal, two-year (Associate's) qualifications with very limited clinical training hours and often no dedicated training in dealing with family dynamics during sessions. Most of them are not well-versed enough in CBT, DBT, and other treatment modalities to successfully apply them clinically under heated conditions. You want to find a psychologist with a Master's Degree, or, better yet, a PhD or PsyD, who specializes in family therapy, ideally somehow whose expertise is in families dealing with mental illness. In my state, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT) must have a Master's or Doctoral degree and have completed 1500 hours of supervised clinical experience, but be careful, because in other areas there are similar-sounding professionals who have Associate's Degrees.

   
   

   One of the unexpected perks of involving a third-party professional is that it limits discussion of addiction to a certain time and place. Outside of those sessions, you and your partner can simply agree to live life as normally as possible, which can be a huge relief.

   
   

   When talking to your partner about their addiction, it is wise to keep in mind that - however angry and disappointed you are with them - they hate themselves more. You cannot say anything negative to them about themselves that they haven't told themselves already in harsher terms.

   
   

   What you can do is start difficult conversations by telling them how much you love them and reminding them that you are there for them. You can recall some of your favorite memories with them, talk about the little quirks and comments that made you fall for them in the first place.

   
   

   I'd recommend against telling them that "I want that person back." If your partner is far along in his or her addiction, it's likely that they feel that the person they used to be is dead, gone, and unrecoverable.

   
   

   Plus, you don't really want that old partner back. You want a new, healed partner - someone who emerges from recovery like gold refined seven times by fire.

   
   

   Lead with love and compassion. No matter what happens in the end, you will be at peace with how you acted.

   
   

   Remember that nonverbal communication is just as important as what you say. A well-timed hug or a small gift / favor can mean the world.

   
   

   Don't forget humor! As Winston Churchill, who struggled with the "little black dogs" of depression and substance abuse throughout his life, put it: "If you can make someone laugh, you give them a little vacation."

   
   

   Approach every conversation with your addicted loved one as though it may be the last time that you talk to them. This world is filled with all too many family members and friends of addicts who have had those final conversations and been left to ponder them for the rest of their long lives.

   
   

   Thank you for reading! As always, I'm reachable using the "Contact" form on this blog; I almost always reply within 12 to 24 hours.

   
   

   I'll close with one of my favorite Latin puns, which plays on the same double meaning of "inspire" that found its way into English in that it means both to breathe in and to have one's spirits raised.

   
   

   Dum spiro, spero ("While I breathe, I hope," or - perhaps a better translation for those who love addicts - "While there's breath, there's hope")